Moe Berg's Low Self-Esteem Breakfast Tips #1 - The First In A Series

let's face facts.

1) the economy is bad

2) you love bacon

"so?" you ask with great interest, "what does the fact that the economic ground is cracking beneath my old, shredded, wonderbread bag shoes have to do with the fact that i'm down with the pig?"

"listen up, shithead," i say with off-putting contempt, "i'm getting to that. and try to take a shower once in a while. you should be ashamed of yourself."


what if i told you that you could have a satisfying, delicious, stomach-warming, artery-packing Bacon Breakfast for mere pennies? and you would only have to deal with one or two hippies at the most?

you'd tell me that you were breaking out your finest bib.

here's how it works.

1) go to whole foods before 9 am or so


yeah, i know, i know.

"moe, i can't go to whole foods! that place is very expensive! the hand picked organic peruvian albino avocados are, like, four bucks each! and don't get me started on the luxuriousness of having both an olive and a cheese bar! plus, i drank all that cough syrup. i'll never get up before noon!"

are you done?

seriously. are you done? are you finished yet? do you want bacon or do you want to complain?

ahem.

where were we?

1) go to whole foods before 9 am or so


2) enter the establishment

3) walk towards the serve yourself hot food bar

4) try not to get caught staring at the hot moms and fresh-faced co-ed cashiers

(step 4 is applicable only to men and lesbians.)

5) find the little cardboard boxes

6) find the bacon

7) put 7 or 8 strips of bacon in the box. this should be more than enough to satisfy even the most pork grease-addicted lardass


8) look for the most alluring cashier

9) have this cashier weigh the box and ring you up


10) pick your jaw up off the floor as your Grand Bacon Total is calculated at...


...less than 20 cents!

11) get in your car, take off your shoes, loosen your belt, turn up the radio, and munch that bacon as you drive to the unemployment office to apply for benefits

economical, atkins-friendly and tasty.


those are three terms we don't throw around here at the Metz very often. but i'm willing to bet you a can of soup that after you set my plan in action, you're going to get those three words tattooed somewhere between your navel and your knees.

Applesmoked

for those of you who ever wondered what 'conflicted' truly meant:

a couple of weekends back, the wife and i took the crew to see the most recent 'body worlds' exhibit at the la science center.


for those of you who don't know, 'body worlds' is where they take chinese political prisoners cadavers, peel them, dip them in plastic or something and then prop them up in all kinds of nutty poses. like, one might be doing a push-up with all of their organs piled up on what remains of their ass. you might find another standing on their tippy-toes while they balance on a pyramid made of kidneys or something. all this while families wander around from glass case to glass case and gawk and try to drown out the quietly nagging voice they hear in their head reminding them of their own mortality.

anyhow...

the inner conflict arose when i strolled into the portion of the exhibit featuring examples of internal organs decimated by poor diet and nutrition. it was there - just a step or two from the heart clogged with arterial plaque and alcohol-poached liver - that i found The Fat Guy.


or, to be more specific, a whisper thin, body long, cross-sectioned slice of The Fat Guy, laid out in his case on top of a lighted table like a long, odd, profile-shaped photographic slide.

immediately, two thoughts flooded into my head.

thought 1:
good god. look at all the fat that guy had. globs of it just under the skin layer and even more surrounding his organs and choking the vitality out of everything god gave him. and holy shit! he was only 50 years old when he died. 50. take a good look, dude. that's everything you're afraid of becoming someday laid out for you to see and scare you straight. an example. the ghost of fat christmas future speaking to you, warning you that if you don't start paying better attention to what you pack into your eat hole, you run the risk of the same unsightly fate.

thought 2:
that looks like the biggest, tastiest piece of bacon i've ever seen.

-----

addendum 6/27:

i got this email today and promised the author i'd share the truth about the peeled and posed people.

Hi! I just wanted to reiterate what someone already commented on your blog.

Body Worlds is the original anatomical exhibition of real human bodies, and
there are now several copycats. Body Worlds is the only one with an
established body donor program...so the specimens are not former political
prisoners from China. There's a statement regarding this on the Body Worlds
website:
http://www.bodyworlds.com/en/media/releases_statements/releases_statements_2
008.html?edit#020608

If you'd consider changing or updating that line in your blog, we'd greatly
appreciate it. There's a lot of confusion and Body Worlds often gets lumped
in with the others. The philosophy and ethics of the exhibit is based on a
collaboration between the body donors, the anatomists that perform the
plastination process and the people that come to view the exhibit.

Thank you for coming to see the exhibit. Please let me know if you have any
questions about what I've stated here or the exhibit in general.

Hillary Manning
Communications Manager
BODY WORLDS 3 & The Story of the Heart
at the California Science Center through Sept. 7

Move Over, Bacon

welcome one and all to the first installment of what will undoubtedly be a very popular featured series here at The Metz:

"Pointless Debate About A Subject of Such Abject Inconsequence That You Have To Question Whether Or Not It's Even Worth Reading (and Certainly Whether Or Not It Was Worth Writing)"

today's red-hot topic:

"does ordering a bacon, lettuce, avocado and tomato sandwich by specifically asking for a 'balt' make you a tool?'

as always, today's debate will be handled by blog regulars moe berg and simon metz.

---------

"no, it does NOT make you a tool!" by simon metz



i would like to begin today by stating without the slightest hesitation that ordering a "balt" by name is not only nothing of which to be ashamed, it is, in fact, a way for a restaurant patron or other lunch-buyer/eater to demonstrate to the world that they possess the grand confidence and worldliness towards which we all strive. ordering a "balt" says to your fellow man "i know a thing or two about sandwiches. and also acronyms". more importantly, ordering a "balt" delivers a crystal clear signal to your waiter or waitress that you are a member of a new generation of forward thinking sandwich eaters, unbound by the antiquated tradition of ordering your lunch by listing its ingredients one by one. no, my friends, despite what my colleague may tell you below, ordering a "balt" does not make you a tool. it makes you a renegade on par with paradigm changers like issac newton, enrico fermi and pol pot.

----

"sorry asshole, but it DOES make you a tool!" by moe berg


ok, first thing's first. ordering a bacon, lettuce, avocado and tomato by asking for a "balt" is so truly fucked up, i don't even know where to begin. i mean, you may think you're big time when you do it, but what's to stop the waitress from just flipping it on you by being all "you mean a 'blat'?" or like "sorry, sir, but around here we that a 'talb'." how would you feel then? pretty bad, i'd wager. and as for saving time, are you fucking kidding me? what do you have to do that's so important that those 2 seconds are going to make a difference in your life? i've seen where you live, metz, and i know what you do with that lotion and that giant stuffed panda, and more free time is the last thing you need you sick fuck. oh, and bottom line, if you need to feel like mr big dick by changing the sandwich rules, just order a turkey club, hold the turkey and add avocado and you'll get the same thing and you won't look like such a dick when you do it.

----

wow wee! talk about a donnybrook! absolutely amazing!

now it's up to you, dear reader. the time has come take it to the comments and settle things once and for all! believe me, you will never know just how much is riding on your turnout, your decision, and your insightful opinion.

(as always, the views expressed by messrs berg and metz do not necessarily represent those of the management.)