Semantics

there are times when you just want to encase your kids in environment-proof lucite to keep them from ever aging another day, so you can hold them forever in the cute-upon-cute days of their early childhood. other times you want to do the same thing, but only because it would make it easier to carry them out of the house and put them in storage so you'd never have to see them ever again.

and sometimes, you want to do both at the exact same time.

case in point - the rare and completely-out-of-character tantrum ab threw tonight that had mrs b and myself alternately furious at his petulance and tickled to the point of laughter-stifling because of how accidentally hysterical he was being.

what had him so angry?

let us go back to a couple of weeks ago when the boys got a 'gross magic' set as a gift - a handy all-in-one kit perfect for any child who wants to learn how to, like, make a big plastic booger disappear or create a realistic looking turd out of two bags of brightly colored slime.

tonight, i asked ab to pick up one of these faux turds from the floor and put it away before dinner.

i believe the exact quote was, "ab, do me a favor and pick up that doody and come to the table."

he stopped in his tracks.

"it's not doody. it's glop," he told me.

i thought he was kidding.

"looks like doody to me, pal."

he glowered, paused for a moment and raised his voice.

"it's not doody! it's glop!" he shouted. "GLOP!"

hearing the commotion, jb came running into the room, not about to let a chance to needle his brother go by.

"there's no such thing as glop," he said with a devilish smile on his face, "that is doody."

that's all ab needed to hear. the tantrum had begun.

"IT'S NOT DOODY! NOT DOODY! DON'T CALL MY GLOP 'DOODY'!"

let me pause here to say that i can count on one hand the amount of tantrums each of my sons have had in the past three years. and, not that i'm making excuses, but ab is suffering from a head cold. that said, i was shocked by the zero to sixty ferocity i was seeing, which is why decided i had to cut this off asap. well, that, and it was also becoming damn near impossible to keep from laughing in his face.

always the diplomat, i let him go until he took a breath, shhhhed him off the ledge, dried his tears while i hugged him into silence and then whispered in his ear that throwing a tantrum isn't acceptable behavior, but i was also sorry i had made him so upset.

he understood completely. the tantrum was over. he half-smiled, wiped his nose with his arm, picked up the offending product and handed it to me.

as he walked off to wash his hands for dinner, i studied what i had been handed for a moment. after the past 5 minutes, for whatever reason, it looked different to me. was it, in fact, doody? or could it actually be glop? did he have a point?

i leave that decision to you, fair metz readers.

should you want to weigh in on this matter, and help determine who was right - a 5 year old or his dad - feel free to click here, on a link that will take you to a photo of ab holding his mystery item, handily separated from The Metz as a courtesy to those of you with fair constitutions who might not want to gaze upon what i'm talking about here - even if it is fake.

please make your opinion known in the comments - with the understanding that i will present them all to ab on his 18th birthday and, depending on who ends up victorious here, tell him whether or not i will be paying for his college.