A Modest Proposal 2006

on march 6, south dakota governor mike rounds signed into law a complete and total ban on abortion within the borders of his state. the uproar from the national pro-choice camp was immediate, as they began to warn everyone everywhere that this little bit of pro-life legislation was purposely designed, not only to end abortion in the mount rushmore state, but to also create a judicial log jam all the way up to the supreme court, where it could force the sitting justices to finally revisit roe vs. wade. (or something like that.) and if the sitting justices happen to revisit roe vs. wade in today's political climate, they warn, the abortion gravy train that we've all been riding since 1973 is over.

now, if you're one of the people out there in america, biting their nails and worrying that your legal right to choose or to pressure your girlfriend or wife into ending her pregnancy might actually be taken from you within the next few years, i am here to tell you tonight that you have absolutely nothing to worry about. in fact, not only will i personally guarantee your ability to have an abortion whenever you want, i guarantee that whoever accompanies you to your date with the doctor will a)drink free b)get one free pull on a superbonus slot machine and c)earn valuable comp points towards a luxurious midnight chocolate buffet.

ladies and gentlemen, i'm talking about The Abortion Boat.

operating under the same maritime laws that allow skippers of even the mangiest tugboat to perform legally binding weddings and also let party boats and booze cruises go casino crazy once they drift past an imaginary line in the ocean, The Abortion Boat will be the floating clinic of last resort.

each day at sunset, The Abortion Boat will set sail from any number of luxurious ports of call around our great land and, then, only minutes after we raise our anchors and shove off, we will cross that fabulous floating line in the ocean, which is when your wildest dreams will come true. high rolling casino match play; sumptuous gourmet cuisine; european spa treatments fit for a pasha; and the hottest entertainment imported from around the globe - all in the finest plush, opulent surroundings.


plus, you will be able to have abortion after abortion until you are blue in the face.